I think I might have screwed myself (again). It becomes facinating for me to watch myself make decisions for a variety of reasons, then doubt those reasons in the light of the day, and therefore, doubt my decision.
I doubt my decision making skills. I am unsure if it is best to make decisions with your heart, or with your head, or with your gut, or with all three. What can I trust to tell me the truth before it's too late? Why can't I be patient enough to let time tell me answers? And since when did I start making decisions based completely on my own thoughts? I know that I cannot trust my whims, but I guess I can no longer differentiate between a whim and true emotion.
I am at a loss, for it is too late. I can feel now the gravity of my decision and consequential unjustified sadism. I can feel my pain, guilt, self-disgust competing for my emotional attention. It's pretty much awful. Expect lots of really dark poetry, for I finally broke through the hard outer shell and my soft insides are bleeding out. I will try my best to continue pursing my 2011 goals of self-cultivation, despite the fact that this notion may have screwed me already.
Was just catching up on your blog, glancing at mine... looking at it from an outsider's perspective made me think I'd really like to know you in real life.
ReplyDeleteBut I already know you. so I guess I win.
you win by default, because, you know, you are already you.